Having Guests at Your Birth

By Constance Rock & Aleksandra Evanguelidi

Every birth facility, other than your own home, has an official policy on guests attending births. While you will need to follow those guidelines, we have some additional suggestions that can help you decide what is best for you in this situation.

When thinking about whether or not to have someone other than your partner at your birth, consider the following:

•Why do you want them there?
•Is it because there’s something that you know they will provide for you?
•Are they someone that you can completely relax with?
•Do you trust them to be great with you even if you’re not able to be great with them?
•Are you considering inviting them because you think it would be good for them?
•Is it because they asked if they could be there and you don’t feel comfortable saying no?
When looking at the pros and cons, keep in mind that for many women, the more people she has at her birth, the longer the labor will be. Birth, for the most part, is a very private act. The hormones responsible for birth are the same as the ones involved with lovemaking. Consider how difficult it would be to have sex with others watching. That might be weird, right? Well, birth is not exactly the same, but it’s important to understand the similarities.

If you’ve looked at these considerations and it still feels right to invite someone, there are some important things to discuss with your guests before the birth. For example, what will their role be? Some suggestions are:

•Photograph or videotape the labor, birth and/or post-delivery.
•Prepare or bring food. (You might not be able to eat much in labor, but, everyone else will need to in order to keep up their energy for you. And you will probably be very hungry after giving birth.)
•Childcare for siblings.
•Run errands and answer phones.
•Massage and labor support.
It is a good idea for your guests to have an established role and parameters. That way they know exactly what you need from them and how best to support you. This will help them as much as it does you. Oftentimes people feel helpless watching someone in labor. They can see how hard you’re working but don’t know what will make a difference for you. Labor is not something they can rescue you from. It’s something only you can do. So, if they’re clear beforehand about what you want and they’re willing to be flexible about it, they really can make a difference for you.

Sometimes, even when you you’ve established their role beforehand, it just doesn’t work for you. Ask your guests to be willing to be flexible and not to personalize anything. You might not be able to be gracious with them when your labor gets intense. We’re not suggesting that you treat your guests badly, but labor is not the time to worry about being socially appropriate. Also, there are times when the only way to get labor moving is to have your guests leave. Or, you might decide once labor starts that you really want to be alone. Make sure that they know ahead of time that all invitations to your birth are conditional.

Let your guest know that you will need them to keep their energy calm and peaceful. Tell them that they should stop talking when your contraction starts. They can finish their thought after your contraction is over.

Some things that drive laboring women crazy:

•Talking during contractions
•People coming in and out of the room
•Too much excitement
•Smells, such as bad breath or perfume
•Phones ringing
•Being stared at
Being at a birth is very exciting and sometimes stressful. Because of the excitement, people will often forget that we all want the baby’s experience to be peaceful. The baby has only heard muffled sounds in the womb. Please ask your guest to refrain from shouting with excitement as the baby emerges. We will gently remind everyone as well.

When these considerations are looked at before the birth, choosing to have guests at your birth can not only make a huge difference for you, but it can be a profound experience for your guests as well.